howtotalktotourist

Now that the tourist season is approaching its doldrums, we feel safe slipping in an article or two
that are directed solely at residents. Since our economy is largely visitor-based, we could all
learn…

How To Talk To Tourists

From my favorite perch, outside Mooie’s, I observe the comings and goings of scores of people
who have never been here before. While there is nothing funnier than watching a woman in a
silk dress and stiletto heels try to step over a pile of Heinekin bottles, it’s important to remember:
this is a first for her. If we want our island guests to return next year and talk the place up to all
their friends in the meantime (and for the sake of this article, let’s assume we do), we need to
improve our verbal skills.

First of all, there’s the matter of giving directions. If you don’t know where Mongoose is, it isn’t
going to help to be told it’s across from Caneel Housing, which frankly, couldn’t be more
accurate. You might as well be telling Stevie Wonder to go till he sees the big Gumbo Limbo.
Tourists need to be handled like little children. Like infants comparing their hands to the
butterflies in a mobile, these people are trying to make sense out of a patently unique corner of
the globe. Past references don’t apply. We’re not in Kansas anymore. Directions should include
distances, clearly defined landmarks and friendly encouragement. Example: “Go that way and
take a right. It’s a delightful tenth-of-a-mile walk past a hideous blight of a construction site. You’
ll love our graveyard.”

Secondly, we must remember to put all the words in our sentences. Abbreviation is handy when
alerting someone to danger. “Watchit!” is an acceptable contraction of “Sir, you had better
watch out for that out-of-control concrete truck.” But, if you want to hit the target when you’re
talking to a tourist, use all your ammunition. In that way, “Wan’ go by Mooie?” becomes “Would
you care to join me for a refreshing libation at St. John’s oldest bar?” Of course, you’re doubly
thirsty by the time you’ve said all that, so you’d better make it two. Remember to say, “Dennis,
might I have another of those ice-cold beverages, when you get a chance?” and not “Gimme a
nex’ one.”

Next, is the issue of dining. Not everybody can subsist on a chicken leg and a diet Coke. Neither
do they have fridges at home filled with leftovers that can be gnawed on at their leisure. A
varied restaurant diet is a critical element of a memorable vacation experience. St. John now
boasts a number of multi-star eateries. If I could afford to eat ribs every night at Uncle Joe’s, I
would. But tourists need diversity. Therefore, I suggest an old wife from Sheila’s in the park, two
meat pates from Hercules’ and some animal knuckles of some sort at Cap’s Place. And, don’t
forget Coral Bay. They eat out there, too. Try the ribs at Sticky Fingers.

Manners. We must remember our manners. I frequently get frustrated when I’m faced with a first-
time driver on the wrong side of the road. This can be more than just frustrating when it’s at 40
miles an hour on a blind curve. As you’re being loaded onto the gurney, it won’t hurt to say, “I
did that initially, too.” Or rather, it won’t hurt as much as your other injuries. And what could be
more aggravating than being asked the same questions over and over? Don’t be rude. Pretend
you’re from a foreign country and nod “Ya. Ya.” Or, hiccup and quote Chaucer. You’ll be
remembered as “colorful”.

Most importantly, make it interesting. In our last issue, Tom Paine’s article about former St. John
resident character, Capt. Lance, touched only the tip of an anecdotal iceberg. The island lost a
world-class storyteller when the Captain moved on. My long-suffering wife, Candice, says I “put
too much kindling on the fire” but I prefer to say I learned to embellish a tale from Lance. I’m not
saying he was a prevaricator. I wasn’t there; I don’t know. But, Lance could tell a tale as tall as a
tree. And the tourists loved it. His motto, “Just like in the movies” referred to the fantastic quality
of his life in the islands and that’s the kind of thing that makes a vacation special.

Last winter, I was guest crew on Born to Rhumb, Capt. Kevin’s converted lobster boat that does
the BVI circuit in one whirlwind daytrip. While rafted-up at the Willie T, Kevin pointed to a mega-
yacht nearby. “Last week, Dan Marino was on that boat,” he said. He received blank stares from
the guests who were in diapers when the Hall-of-Famer was at his peak. Later, I explained that
he should have said, “Jude Law in a speedo,” and they’d still be talking about it. It’s the story
that’s important; making the experience memorable.

Many years ago, a fellow from New York asked me had I lived here a long time? Yes. And, had I
drunkenly and repetitively accosted Lee Marvin in the bar at Red Hook? Yes, I vaguely
remembered that. “And do you know the funny part?” he asked. “I’ve been telling everybody for
ten years that you were Steven Speilberg!” and he looked a little disappointed that I was only
me.

- Jeff Smith